Who’da Thunk It, Leadership can Happen before Submission

This story is similar in nature to all the stories from women claiming their submission made their man a leader. I use to believe this, but experience and common sense has shown otherwise. As this man explains, a man makes himself a man. Women do not make their men leaders; leadership has to be self-initiated and coming from within and then amazingly (who would have thought) women naturally fall in line and respond or submit to that leadership.
“My own marriage had a rough beginning. The trouble started during the wedding planning. My wife’s family shelled out the money for the wedding, but they provided my fiancée with no help in planning the wedding. When she asked me for help, I just shrugged my shoulders. After all, I thought, that was the woman’s job.
During our first year together, I acted like a spoiled brat. My wife was finishing up school and working so she was pulling late nights studying and waking up early. Rather than supporting her, I resented and complained about her schedule.
After about a year of this, we finally had a big argument where I realized that I had burned through all the goodwill I had generated during our courtship. Unless I did something quickly, we were headed for a divorce.
Trying to assert positional authority at that point would have only made the situation worse. Instead, I set out to rebuild my personal authority.
   I stopped complaining.
   I forced myself to be cheerful in all circumstances.
   I got involved in approving my wife’s decisions. Being a leader means that you are responsible for everything. You can delegate, but you are still ultimately responsible.
   Finally, I developed a vision for where I wanted our family to go, and I gradually got my wife to buy into that mission.
In other words, the only way husbands can be leaders in their marriage, is to behave like leaders.
My marriage didn’t change over night. It took several months of consistent living on my part before my wife began to believe that I was serious in fulfilling my role as husband. But it was well worth the effort. I found that when I exercised my role as a husband, my wife settled into her feminine role—naturally.”
There is a large group of men out there that strongly believe the opposite–that once a woman takes on the role of submissive wife, that the husband will then rise up to his masculine role naturally. This seems nothing more than an excuse to neglect working on themselves and taking the lead by shifting the burden to the wife, who is by nature the responder or follower (not to mention the weaker vessel)–not the initiator. The men who believe this “women submit before he can lead” trope are reinforced in their beliefs by the group of women who like to take credit for their own special wonderfulness. Whenever a man wants to take the lazy way out, there is generally a woman standing on the sidelines willing to enable his lack of leadership. They claim, “don’t worry dear, I’ll just pray, keep a nice home, provide ample sex and you will magically blossom into this mighty leader—its because of ME that you can take charge now!” This sort of faux induced leadership may be a nice bandage, but at the end of the day I believe for marriages to thrive men have to really, really want to be leaders and take any steps necessary to make themselves the best leaders they can be. It can not be thrusted upon them by women.

2 thoughts on “Who’da Thunk It, Leadership can Happen before Submission

  1. I found your site from thepracticalconservative and I post there as Nicky and nicoustical occasionally, anyway, THANK YOU for this. I am so sick and tired of people telling me that MY ACTIONS will be the thing that changes my husband. I have said again and again, “Um, doesn’t ‘me setting the tone’ inadvertently make ME the leader?” And then they’re like, “No, no, that’s not how it works…blah blah blah.”

    It’s refreshing to read your logical posts.


  2. Hi Nicky,
    Thank you. Isn’t it common knowledge that you can’t change people unless they first WANT to change? You hear that often enough and are even told before marrying…don’t marry someone you think you can change/fix, because it won’t happen. However, if you find yourself already married and in a predicament, all of a sudden women are told they have magical powers and can change their husband into the man of their dreams. If you can change a man so much by your actions, why not marry the first homeless man you see on the street, why not arranged marriages, why even bother dating?

    Another popular one is that you change him “without a word”. Yes, women are just that powerful! So, again all my questions stand….why not just marry any old bum and change him without a word once married. It truly would open up a whole new pool of available men.


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