Angry Bird · Traditionalist Bird

Married Parents do not Guarantee Children with No Baggage

Conservatives/traditionalists often make the mistake of assuming that just because you come from a home with married parents that you are guaranteed a stable, productive, happy life with no baggage. This couldn’t be further from the truth. There is a lot more to family dynamics than the structure. Appearances can be deceiving, but traditionalists are all about appearances and if a family has the God approved shell or form of what a family is supposed to look like then all must be great.
I come from what appeared to be a very stable, conservative home. Parents married for 40 years with little fighting and they provided a happy childhood. However, as I got older, they weren’t there for me emotionally and were both quite afraid of emotions and dealing with reality. They were physically present, but not connected. They didn’t pay attention to what I was doing, who I was with, or where I was going, or how I was feeling. I learned about menstruation and sex through some of the very early yahoo searches. This is supposed to be better than divorced parents who may not live under the same roof, but both are still very involved in their child’s life. For traditionalists all that matter is that you live under one roof, not what is actually going on. A father could work 12 hours a day and never see his children and on the weekend he needs his space to decompress from the work week so buries himself in his office or “man cave”, but hey they are married, so children from that sort of scenario will clearly grow up with no problems.
Marriage is treated as this magical wand that solves all problems. Marriage itself is not the remedy or even the preventative medicine. What creates thriving families are a solid foundation and lots of investing time into each other. Many marriages have this, so its assumed it’s the marriage that causes the solid foundation and investment in each other. I disagree. Marriage acts as builder’s permit or slab of cement to build a family upon, but if you don’t have the skills to build a family and keep a family together, the family will have problems and the marriage will be a shell. The slab of cement will just sit there. It will be that house that wasn’t properly built and with constant problems. This doesn’t matter though to traditionalists. A shoddy built house is still a house. From the outside, to those driving by, it has all the marks of a nice house. Only those living in it experience the problems. If marriage is what creates solid relationships and foundations, then how do close relatives and close friends do it without marriage? Very close friends have the skills to nurture and build each other. A lot of marriages don’t, but yet they get the prestige and blessing of society because they have a permit to build, whether or not they actually build something solid at all. Being granted a permit does not mean you will build a solid structure.
To the manosphere men, on the surface, I must be a great catch of a wife, because I come from a family with married conservative parents. In fact, I took that fact to the extreme in my early marriage days thinking that because I come from married parents, that I must not really have to work at my own marriage. I thought it was some sort of genetic thing (in the blood) and that I am guaranteed not to have problems because I come from a long line of long married relatives. Like how some with fast metabolism can eat whatever they want and never get fat. I thought I could do whatever I want and never have marital disputes. Blessed with good marital genes in the family! I’ve since been greatly humbled.
The manosphere likes to suggest rejecting women for dating and marriage because they come from divorced homes. They prefer the appearance of a woman from a stable family more than anything. All the while she may have a lot of issues that have been suppressed because of the pressure to keep up appearances that will later come out in their own marriage. Like I said, I looked like the young woman who had it made, but I had a lot to work out still. I definitely would not have met the manosphere unicorn standards.
If women are to be so easily chucked aside for something that isn’t their fault, why do they even bother? And you know what, I think a lot of women don’t bother. There are always grumblings about why women aren’t marrying and preferring the single life, well, could it be that they know they are already damaged good being products of a divorced home or whatever else isn’t acceptable that they don’t even bother. When you are already cast out as being a drudge of society, you start going your own way. Maybe they are really doing men a favor by not marrying them and saddling them with all their “baggage”. Only perfect women from perfect homes get to marry.

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5 thoughts on “Married Parents do not Guarantee Children with No Baggage

  1. I came from a divorced home and was cast out by the young men in our group; I became one of the first in our group to go the CatholicMatch route (when it was still StRaphael.net way back in the early days). I knew I didn’t fit the mold back in my teens, and didn’t bother trying because I was cast-out damaged goods, and it was made VERY obvious that I was.

    “They didn’t pay attention to what I was doing, who I was with, or where I was going, or how I was feeling. I learned about menstruation and sex through some of the very early yahoo searches.”

    AMEN to this. I would also add — and this may seem very harsh, but I have been dying to say it to certain people for years — that the mothers were spending way more time in the kitchen cooking the same elaborate wonderful meals and keeping their houses spit-shined like their own mothers did in the past, and meanwhile their children were in schools getting all their information from their peers. The mothers were too busy pandering (pardon the harshness) to men who expected to be waited on hand and foot, and consequently the youth were eaten alive by the budding sexual revolution and cultural revolution. Now, the children (aka the boys who are now men) are stunned that their wives can’t do all that their mothers did IN ADDITION to keeping the children from being corrupted by the culture. Whaddya know. Hey, guys, it’s all about trade-offs. Either learn to live with it, or shut up…..men are telling us to shut up all the time! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are right, of course, that even kids of life-long married parents can be affected by dysfunction in the household. The mano “men” only see one angle of this. They want to make sure that any woman they vet does not have the example set for her that she can leave the marriage for any reason. Whether the woman’s mother stayed because her marriage was happy or stayed despite deep dysfunction doesn’t matter. It only matters that she stayed put. Obviously, according to them if a woman’s parents are divorced it was their mother who initiated. It couldn’t have been their father.

    They shoot themselves in the foot because if you don’t vet the family carefully despite structural appearances, you can still be living with someone carrying baggage. Women would do well to observe the family of any guy they are dating as well and take note of the dynamic of his parents marriage

    Like

  3. Yeah, part of the divorce epidemic was people being so cut off from each other that it seemed like they were already doing two households anyway. The dads were gone 12 hours a day and then hid out with the projection tv and the pitcher of martinis.

    I am really really really far from “pro-divorce” but it’s not like it just got going in some vacuum where everyone was doing awesome and then a MIASMA OF FEMINISM DESCENDED UPON THE LAND.

    Also, married parents don’t mean much when they don’t think you will marry or actively sabotage your attempts to figure out how to do it. A lot of parents don’t want their kids to have marriage for any number of reasons, ranging from reasonable to insane.

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  4. TPC said:

    “I am really really really far from “pro-divorce” but it’s not like it just got going in some vacuum where everyone was doing awesome and then a MIASMA OF FEMINISM DESCENDED UPON THE LAND.”

    That’s really funny!

    Like

  5. Stone said:

    “Like I said, I looked like the young woman who had it made, but I had a lot to work out still.”

    Yeah. I’m also from a conservative intact family, but it was only in the last couple years that I suddenly realized that I never saw my parents work out a disagreement peacefully. It was either big arguments or behind-the-scenes negotiations. They obviously ironed out a lot of things behind the scenes out of earshot of us kids, but because I never saw it, it was not a skill that I ever learned from my parents.

    That was kind of a big deal.

    Related: I did not learn money management from my parents, which is also kind of a big deal for a young wife not to know. I think I literally never saved for anything as a kid. When I had money, I spent it, and when I didn’t, I didn’t.

    When I was a kid and young adult, my parents’ money management skills were also rather poor. They’ve since gotten a lot better, but there was a time when they were first building their main business where they had not nearly enough fear of the dangers of business debt (the dot com bust was extremely painful, but not fatal). I had been married nearly a decade before my dad discovered Dave Ramsey and turned me on to him.

    I feel like there’s always going to be some kind of family-of-origin baggage, be it a carry-on, a check-in bag, or a steamer trunk. Ideally, it will be something with wheels…

    Also, family-of-origin stuff is not always negative. People come with gifts from their families of origin, also.

    TF,

    Right. There has to be some prioritizing.

    Ever notice how TERRIBLE the manosphere is at prioritizing?

    Liked by 1 person

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