Godly Women · Traditionalist Bird

Having a Love Language is Selfish

Today we find Lori disgusted with the popular book “The Five Languages”. 

Why? Well its selfish of course to expect your partner to spend a little time getting to know you, what really makes you tick. Its not biblical.

“It seemed selfish to me and is just another way to place too high of expectations upon others, especially our husbands.”

Yeah, its expecting too much that in a marriage you might want such things as touch, words of affection, etc. Women should certainly not place too high of an expectation that they or their husbands might want sex.  Its selfish to want those things, you see.

She claims to know someone who unfriends anyone who doesn’t speak her language. Come on! That is an extreme example. Most people do not treat the book that way. In that case, such a woman is making the book an idol rather than using it as a tool to learn.

“Almost every single popular self-improvement, devotional, or marriage book of our day is not worth spending time on unless it is biblical.”

And of course her book is biblical! I find what is biblical is very subjective to each person based on their interpretation.  Also, why need any other book than besides the bible if every other book has to be biblical? Seems the bible should be good enough and all these Christian self-help books should go away.

“Maybe a wife loves quality time together since this is her love language, but her husband works so hard to support the family that he doesn’t have time to fulfill this desire of hers. Another one loves to receive gifts, but the husband is a terrible gift giver. Many women love words of affirmation, but maybe you are married to a man who doesn’t give these to you. Others love lots of affections and the other spouse doesn’t. Do you realize that none of these are how the Bible defines love? “

Maybe a husband loves getting sex since touch is his love language, but the wife works so hard at home home everyday with four or more young children; cooking, cleaning, homeschooling, etc, that she doesn’t have the time or energy to fulfill this desire of his.  See how that works? But of course the godly advise is women are suppose to make time for sex no matter how tired they are. Yet it is asking too much for the men to adjust their schedules or put a little thought into a gift now and then. When it comes to sex being a man’s love language (i.e. touch) that is always taken very seriously. But wait is sex how the bible defines love?

“This book seems like it has hurt marriages more than helps unless one spouse uses the book to find out what the other spouse’s love language is and proceeds to love them in the way they like. This is good since we are called to please our husband and in order to please them, we must ask them what they like. However, this book could easily cause us to be too introspective and figure out what our love language is instead of loving others as the Lord has called us to love them in 1 Corinthians 13. “

But of course Lori’s book or specifically her blog could never hurt marriages because its “biblical”. There is a lot from her blog that caused trouble in my marriage. Of course I will be blamed for this (I did it wrong or misread her wrong). Its good if the book helps us please our husbands, but not good I suppose if its used to help husbands please their wives or at least help understand their wives better. Wives are not allowed to expect anything good from marriage. Its suppose to be a life of serve, serve, serve, with nothing in return. We are suppose to shut up, suffer in silence and rather live in day dreams of “dwelling on the lovely things” as a way to escape.

Too introspective? Yikes, you mean like make us think? A good Christian never thinks of course but blindly follows the bible.  Figuring out your love language and your husband’s love language is not at odd with loving others. You can do both! In fact, figuring out their love language shows to me that you are willing to learn more about the person, do a little research.  Some of the men out there will hate this because they would rather have a wife you can set on a shelf and forget. They don’t want to have to do any work on the relationship. These are the men who will love Lori for saying these sorts of things as it validates them.

Now to end on a funny note Lori says she is now requiring applications to join her chat room, to make sure people have good intentions. Control freaks never get over themselves. Seriously, an application? People can lie on applications. If I was a young woman really seeking help all the hoop jumping would just turn me off and I would go elsewhere. And remember the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

 

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19 thoughts on “Having a Love Language is Selfish

  1. I just moved this post over from the Bird Watching thread so it can hang out with its friends here:

    Stone said:

    “Lori trashes the Five Love Languages book today. Its selfish of course.”

    Of course.

    Lori says:

    “I even have a friend who “unfriends” anyone who does not speak her love language.”

    Don’t you love it when people have a “friend” to demonstrate every point they want to make?

    “Does the wife who wants affection but isn’t receiving it get mad at her husband for not giving it even after she specifically told her husband that she loves affection?”

    The book doesn’t say to get mad.

    “Maybe a wife loves quality time together since this is her love language, but her husband works so hard to support the family that he doesn’t have time to fulfill this desire of hers. Another one loves to receive gifts, but the husband is a terrible gift giver. Many women love words of affirmation, but maybe you are married to a man who doesn’t give these to you. Others love lots of affections and the other spouse doesn’t. Do you realize that none of these are how the Bible defines love?”

    Earth to Lori–literally all of those things are in the Bible–time together, gifts, praise, acts of service, physical affection. Seriously–they’re all there, they’re just not called “the five love languages.”

    “He has also commanded us to be living sacrifices, deny ourselves, and do unto others as we would have them do unto us.”

    Maybe, just maybe, that means spending a little bit of time figuring out how our spouse needs to be loved?

    “The Word perfectly describes what love is in 1 Corinthians 13. The KJV states that “Charity suffereth long.” If every married woman chose to “suffer” long (extremely patient) in her marriage, especially those who are married to disobedient husbands, think what great witnesses Christian marriages would be to a lost world of Christ’s relationship to His Church.”

    Don’t have a happy marriage–what kind of Christian witness would that be?

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  2. I keep seeing guys online complaining about their “sexless” marriages that aren’t actually sexless.

    It’s the weirdest thing.

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  3. Stone said:

    “Note to the men — likewise learn to accept starfish sex from your wife–with gratitude and kindness, whether it’s exactly what you wanted or not. Learn to appreciate the thought behind the action, even if the action itself isn’t your preference.”

    That reminds me of this:

    http://marriedmansexlife.vanillacommunities.com/discussion/14677/trying-to-be-oi-but-now-i-am-pissed

    Look carefully at what that guy is complaining about. I’m not going to quote it here (because inappropriate), but basically, he’s faulting his wife for lack of enthusiasm.

    She’s having sex with him on a normal middle-aged couple schedule and he’s mad about it.

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  4. Lindsay Harold:
    “Learn to accept love from your spouse the way you receive gifts from friends and family – with gratitude and kindness, whether it’s exactly what you wanted or not. Learn to appreciate the thought behind the action, even if the action itself isn’t your preference.”

    Note to the men — likewise learn to accept starfish sex from your wife–with gratitude and kindness, whether it’s exactly what you wanted or not. Learn to appreciate the thought behind the action, even if the action itself isn’t your preference.

    I am enjoying the old switcheroo on this and how it relates to sex. I am sure the men think what she is saying is great until they see how this can also apply to their sex lives.

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  5. While I haven’t done the quiz (so maybe I shouldn’t say this yet), I don’t really identify with just one of the love languages. They all sound great! For myself, I think of it more as a guide to a healthy and varied love diet more than about needing just one thing.

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  6. Elspeth,
    Yes, exactly. There is the love languages book for kids too that really helps parents understand what their kids respond best too.

    Lori said this on FB:
    The Transformed Wife “I am not sure the author’s intention but I know many woman read it for “how can I make them do what I want,” unfortunately. This is how I used to read books like this.”

    So, she assume that because she used to read books with that mentality that “many women” also must read with the same mindset. Like you said, projection.

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  7. Elspeth said:

    “How is it possibly wrong or harmful to gain this knowledge, especially when you are not focused on your own needs.”

    Yeah. The whole point of the book is being able to realize that different people have different needs, and that they may be trying to express love in ways that we aren’t reading as loving.

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  8. *sigh*

    I kind of wish I wouldn’t have started following the thread over there. The insistence that any one who picks up the book is doing so to contemplate their own love language is total projection. The whole point of the book is for you to glean what you can about the way your loved ones receive love and act accordingly.

    Also, while I completely agree that we can learn a lot about love from 1 Corinthians 13 (certainly all the most vital and universal parts, that doesn’t address the fact that our oldest daughter is not touchy feely but responds to quality time while our second daughter doesn’t talk much but appreciates a warm hug while third child likes to receive thoughtful gifts.

    How is it possibly wrong or harmful to gain this knowledge, especially when you are not focused on your own needs. Tossing out the whole thing because of one narcissistic friend?

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  9. How does one be always learning if they refuse to be around others of different points of views? So much learning will get done in an echo chamber of women who just constantly agree with each other.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m pretty sure that everything that does not revolve exclusively around Lori is going to be labeled selfish. Love languages are very biblical, the bible itself is written in various love languages so it will speak to each one of us in a way we will recognize.

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  11. Elspeth said:

    “The book may not be for everybody, but there really is nothing there that will turn someone into a raving narcissist obsessed with their own personal love language. Except someone who is already prone to thinking that way in the first place.”

    Right.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Here is what you have to do to get into the chat room LOL
    https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLScBRwhWfSEju2PFy-dEXlBpOPfDMGH7Yhw7Glk-ggKi9pHytg/viewform?c=0&w=1

    Job application and loan applications are easier.

    There are some personal questions I would never disclose to strangers…like the name of your church. IF you don’t go to church you have to explain why and of course I am sure no reason is ever good enough. Also you have to have a facebook account. So, what if you think it isn’t godly to be involved on facebook? Doesn’t it single out women would could need help who don’t use that?

    This all reads like a cult you can’t link to other Christian bloggers unless they are in line with ALCR. It is so afraid of other lines of thought.

    You must score 100% to be in the group!! LOL, like I’ve always thought you have to be 100% perfect to be one of them.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. The book may not be for everybody, but there really is nothing there that will turn someone into a raving narcissist obsessed with their own personal love language. Except someone who is already prone to thinking that way in the first place.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I agree; however, the Pearls will be defended by saying those who had children die “just didn’t do it right, misunderstood the techniques”. It will always be brushed off. Its not the Pearls fault of course, its the people reading the book.

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  15. So let me get this straight. She says it’s the fault of the book that some idiot supposedly unfriends everyone who isn’t like her, yet she defends the Pearls’ child rearing method that has been implicated in the deaths of at least three children. Childishly unfriending people on facebook is worse than child murder becuz Bible. I see.

    Liked by 1 person

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