Trey, who is a well known Lori commenter, showed up over here
Read the story about Jenn to get context. I find her a bit nutty and don’t agree with many of her actions. I don’t believe women should deny sex for any reason besides medical/pregnancy reasons ordered by a doctor. With that said, there is a lot to talk about in this Trey comment that doesn’t relate to Jenn per se, but rather overall male/female dynamics.
MARCH 30, 2017 AT 9:50 AM
I know that I am late to the party here but I do not necessarily see that this husband is sinning in his marriage or against his wife at all based on the statement that Jenn has given. I would need a lot more specific details (and to hear the husbands side of the story) to declare the husband guilty of ANYTHING. She says he “repeatedly shrugs off spiritual leadership in the home, ignores the wife’s emotional needs, treats the wife as a roommate, does NOT consistently do the steps you outlined above (going on dates, upgrading around the house, show any type of affection, etc.) leaves ALL THE PARENTING TO THE WIFE,”
He says he would need A LOT more details and to hear the husband’s side of the story but nevertheless that doesn’t stop him from proceeding a huge heap of judgement, blame and shame on the wife. Christians of this sort can’t resist. Trey has prefaced these types of comments with that safety card before, as if that makes what he is about to say all OK.
SPIRITUAL LEADERSHIP? Her husband has been appointed the spiritual head of his family by God. It is not up to his wife to determine whether he is being a good spiritual leader or not. God gives husband quite a bit of latitude in how they can lead their family and the wife’s personal opinion on the matter is just that, her personal opinion and just because he is not measuring up to HER expectations, does not in and of itself, even come close, to constituting sin.
I suppose because of this a woman doesn’t get to decide when she is being submissive? Right. A man determines if he is leading and if she is being submissive. With that comes a lot of responsibility. A woman has to measure up to his expectations, but he doesn’t have to measure up to hers.
EMOTIONAL NEEDS – I understand that a husband should talk with his wife and communicate with her and get to know her but to some women, no matter what a man does it’s never enough and that is NOT the mans fault. As I read on another website, one husband told his wife that she had “a Grand Canyon of emotional needs and even if every man in Dallas lined up outside your doorstep, it wouldn’t be enough. Until you look to God to satisfy your emotional needs there’s nothing that I or any other man on the planet can do to satisfy you.” He is right. Also, if every time that he goes to communicate with his wife all he hears are nags, derision and complaints and nothing he ever does is good enough, any man would pull away from that situation. Proverbs has some things to say about those kind of women.
Yeah, he gets you are suppose to do the bare minimum stuff like gosh, “get to know her” but beyond that, meh, it sounds like work. I don’t know why women should bothering marrying then. They should just marry God if God and God alone is to satisfy all our needs on earth. Become nuns. Seriously, why bother? In fact, some women take the “Jesus as boyfriend” viewpoint and they get trashed for that too.
If everything a man hears are nags and complaints, he wants to pull away, how do you think the woman feels when all she hears is similar negativity for him. I know, this can never happen. Men aren’t like that. She is the weaker sex but is suppose to be stronger in her fortitude in carrying on by providing sex, but if a man gets some negativity he is justified to just pull away all together even though he is suppose to be the stronger one.
For some men too sex alone is never enough, it has to be 24/7 enthusiastic sex or porn star sex.
TREATS THE WIFE AS A ROOMMATE? What does that even mean?
Oh come on, as if he doesn’t know what the means. It means there is no intimacy either emotionally or physically (although generally just physically) and that basically your living arrangement is merely to pool financial resources and nothing more. It is not a “one flesh” union. For women, if we wanted a roommate that is exactly what we would have got and stayed single, carefree and on the career path. Women choose marriage because we are told by our upbringing and the culture that it is a special bond like no other. That this special bond of having a husband and dedicating our life to him is far more rewarding than chasing after a career that can’t love you back or be affectionate back. Sex or intimate physical affection is the one thing that makes that bond NOT roommates (which is why I am against denying sex). A roommate or a parent or a husband can help you with financial and emotional needs, but ONLY a husband can help you with physical needs. That is what makes the relationship special and not roommates.
If it is not to be a special bond, I want to see everyone then marketing marriage as roommates. Its a purely economical arrangement with no expectations or sex, affection, dates or anything fun and intimate. Don’t puff it up to women as something its not and then be sooooo surprised when she expects the relationship to feel set apart from her other relationships in life. Why does everyone get so joyous and happy at weddings? Because they are witnessing a couple enter an economical arrangement? Maybe we should have a wedding of sorts anytime people enter into a contract –“It’s just sooooooo beautiful (wipes tears)” No, there is something special about marriage that sets its apart from any other relationship and this is why people get so emotional.
DOES NOT GO ON DATE? Maybe you are being disciplined for YOUR poor behavior or maybe your disrespectful, nagging and contentious self are just not pleasant to be around.
It is common after marriage for one or both partners to think they don’t have to do anything to maintain the marriage. He/she is “in the bag”, so they can stop trying. Sometimes (not by any mean all the time) after a long day with the kids a woman just wants to go out and feel like a woman again. Be able to dress up and feel desirable.
SHOW AFFECTION? What man can show affection to a rebellious, demanding, contentious, nagging woman who is constantly telling him that he is not good enough?
I dunno maybe he just feeeeeels she is demanding. Really, its all in his head. What woman is suppose to continue to show affection with sex when she feeeeeeeels like roomates, when she feeeeels there is no affection or date nights? NOPE. It cuts both ways. For women we are just suppose to continue to be having sex regardless of how we are treated or feel we are treated by our husband’s actions, but for men they are well within their rights to DENY a date or affection based on her actions or how her actions makes him feeeeeeel. How about both sexes continue affection and sex no matter how either feels or is treated. It is the lack of these things that creates the vicious cycle. Woman doesn’t like how she is treated so denies sex. Man doesn’t like how he is treated so he withholds affection (which can easily be sex too) and on and on the cycle goes.
If women withold sex as a weapon, men withhold affection and dates as a weapon or a means of punishment.
UPGRADES AROUND THE HOUSE? Who says you need upgrades? Some women are never satisfied with their home. Nothing is ever good enough and the husband is on a never ending merry go round trying to satisfy his wife’s need to keep up with the Jones instead of her being satisfied and grateful for what she already has. Just because SHE is not satisfied with her home, does not necessarily constitute sin on the part of her husband. Wives deserve (and are owed) the basics, not all of the luxuries.
I get that. No argument here.
LEAVES ALL THE PARENTING TO THE WIFE? God has designed the woman for and given her the role of primary caretaker for the children. What specifically are you expecting him to do that he is not doing? Do you expect your husband to go and work all day to support and provide for the family and then come home in the evening and take the kids off of your hands so that you can relax or go and recreate? Again, I would have to see a lot more details before I would claim any wrongdoing on this man at all.
We expect him to be a dad and involved parent. Is that crazy? Again if his only job is to be a provider, women might as well live off the government. We expect more from a man than a paycheck. Yes, and to expect an hour break for yourself when you have been on the go with the kids, cooking and cleaning for 12 plus hour straight is terrible, I know. How selfish of her to want a few moments to recharge. Do you not want her recharged for sex later? There will always be this disconnect that men think SAHMs do nothing all day but relax and don’t then see why she wants more time to relax when they come home.
Again, he tries to protect himself by saying “he needs a lot more details” to adequately judge the situation, but then proceeds to heavily judge.
SUMMARY – From my point of view, I just see an opinionated, disrespectful, contentious and controlling woman here who is unhappy she is not getting her way with everything and like so many women, she blames all of her unhappiness on her husband.
BUT, remember he doesn’t know all the details!