Great observation over at FJ:
A reader asks Lori:
I had a question regarding parenting. My daughter (3.5 years old) is a daddy’s girl and my husband is wrapped around her finger. Whenever I try to discipline her, he says I’m being too harsh and let’s her get away with everything and spoils her. How do you suggest handling this without overstepping my role as a wife?
The obvious answer (if Lori is consistent with her own “teaching”) is that she should submit to her husband’s wishes, and pray for the best. After all, she may be deceived about the best method of child raising (she’s only a silly woman, what does she know).
When he is at work, then is the time for you to train and discipline her without being harsh. Teach her to obey you as soon as you tell her to do anything. Consistency and following through are key, Luna. Your husband will appreciate having a well disciplined daughter as she grows older.
Why wait until he is at work, unless she is going against his wishes?
What Lori essentially advised, is for this woman to pretend to raise her daughter one way when her husband is home, and then immediately switch gears as soon as he’s safely out of sight.
Lori is also saying: “Your husband may think he wants his child raised a certain way, but I know better. When he’s not around, do it my way. He’ll appreciate it in the end.”
How is that submission??
Contrast all that with the following:
A reader asks Lori:
“my husband wanted to apply for somethung and I reminded him to give all the information that they are asking for. My husband said he did not need to do that (rejecting what I told him) but then he finds they asked for the information that he did not bring which I mentioned to him that he should bring. Now it’s possible it might cost us the thing he applied for because of ignoring a simple reminder. May I ask how do I go about handling this because I’m quite frustrated over it. If my spouse makes a mistake the whole household will be in jeopardy.
… any advice for this matter would be greatly appreciated. “
“You can give him one reminder but if he doesn’t do as you have asked and suffers for it, along with the family, this is how it goes. He’s the head of the home and bears the responsibility of how to run it, whether it is successful or a failure. But you are only responsible for your behavior towards so continue to be kind, forgiving, showing grace, submissive, loving, and cheerful knowing that God is ultimately in control. Hopefully, he will learn from his mistakes.”
So in this second scenario the man is the head of the home and bears responsibility. The wife basically has to kick back and let whatever happens happen despite if it hurts the family. This contradicts with the first scenario over disciplining the daughter. In that scenario no more is the wife just suppose to surrender to what the husband wants ( which is a more permissive, coddling parenting style) and let the pieces fall where they may, NO, in this case the wife is to sneak around the husband and discipline her while he is at work. Why should she do this? Because the husband will appreciate a disciplined child in the end (and she knows best of course); however, as shown in the first scenario we are told not to meddle much and let the husband make his own mistakes, follow his wishes as the head no matter how it harms the family. If a man will appreciate a disciplined child in the end, how would he not appreciate having the correct information on hand for the application or whatever he was filling out in the first scenario? If the advice was consistent Lori should tell the reader in the first scenario to take action to make sure the husband gets the right information because he will appreciate the end results OR tell the reader in the second scenario to just accept an undisciplined child since that is essentially what the husband wants and he is the head of the home so you must follow his wishes no matter how it impacts the family.