Godly Women · Motherhood · Traditionalist Bird

A Paycheck Determines if your Job is Stressful

Yet another example of a woman having a hard time being a stay at home mom with a husband who works 12 hours day. She has no support system and he seems to be super critical. This is a woman who is taking off that mask of motherhood a bit and she gets back what I see as a “shut up, suck it up” response. There is some good advice mixed in no doubt, but overall I don’t find the tone helpful.  Read all the comments here for full context (just putting in a bit since its all so long):

I loved this, but in another sense I feel sad. I feel numb when it comes to being attracted to my husband. That, sometimes I feel repulsed. That achieving a well running home with obedient children seems like a fairy tale. He works hard for us and buys the food at the moment as I’m not able. I know a lot of its just my stinkin thinkin. But I can’t imagine putting a smile on my face all the time and taking charge of the house and kids for once and not feel like a complete emotional mess. I try not to offload on my husband but I fail more than I care to. We don’t have any support networks nearby and I can’t stand to hear the kids cry. I try and ignore it or step outside. I would love to wake up with a smile on my face looking forward to spending time with my large brood. And snuggling with my hubby at night. On days when I do manage to have a backbone with my kids, I am not consistent. Or get discouraged. I would love have such an intimate marriage like this. I have a good husband who, if I handled things better would be all over me like a rash. We have a healthy intimate relationship. But our two biggest blow ups are the state of the house and the kids and their behaviour. He works 12 hours a day, sometimes up to 6 days a week. So other than heavy maintenence, I’m pretty much left to handle everything. Our large home, numerous children, the garden, homeschooling etc. And hubby is tired of giving me advice because he says nothing ever changes. It just feels hopeless. And honestly, so do I.

  1. I’m not Lori, and I am sure she will reply. But I do want to offer some words of advice. Stop with all the negative thinking and grow a backbone with those kids. Remember, you fell in love with the man for a reason, so think back to that if you have to. Also, THINK and I do mean sit down and TRULY think of all he does for you. I am just basing my words on your post, but you said he works 12 hour shifts and you stay home. Now, I am a housewife and I know it’s not a piece of cake, but it truly is MUCH less work and stressful than what your husband does.

    “… Serve him joyfully, and let him know you appreciate all he does. You will have to stick with it though, every day until it becomes like second nature to be joyful. And don’t forget to smile, it lets your husband and children know that you are joyful, happy and content!”

Is it much less work? What does he do? How do we know? Again, women’s work is never as stressful as a man’s. It seems we judge what is stressful by what work has a paycheck attached to it. If you aren’t getting paid, that sort of work can’t possibly be stressful. Its this competition between who is stressed out more. A man will always live in a woman’s work place yet a woman does not live in a man’s work place. I wonder if she should go to his work would she find a messy desk and what if she complained about that, but of course that doesn’t matter in the same way since no one has to live there.  I am not excusing a messy home; however there has to be some give when a woman has to be Jane of all trades, not to mention the supposed weaker sex.

Later in the discussion thread it is suggested that Mrs. M is depressed. Why is it when a woman is struggling a bit or opens up about the REAL challenges of staying at home they get labeled as depressed? I believe this is because women at all costs have to keep up the happy, happy, homemaker, mother and wife role. If you aren’t beaming with joy 24/7 you must be depressed. Don’t forget to smile! Be fake! Smile so he knows you are happy and content, but what if you aren’t? Do men really want their wives to bottle it up and pretend like everything is great. I guess so.  Perhaps its best we keep women drugged up or on alcohol to hide all the pain. I recall an article from years ago about some rich housewives who had a xanax addiction to take away the anxiety of their cheating husbands, but hey if it gets you to smile…..

Mrs. M says her husband is grumpy but that of course is because she is a crappy wife with a messy home. If she would just change her ways, his grumpiness would disappear. Yet it doesn’t work that way for women. Right away its “you sound depressed” and this alleged depression or grumpiness on her part can’t possibly be because of something he is or isn’t doing.

 

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13 thoughts on “A Paycheck Determines if your Job is Stressful

  1. Like I was saying
    “A man’s job is never ending and most women’s job does end; at least the hard part of disciplining and training and caring for young children. Being home full time is a blessing and a joy!”
    https://thetransformedwife.com/the-high-priority-of-earning-an-income/#comments

    Anyone want to tell me when the job of mother ends? It may get slightly less work as they get older, sure, but that doesn’t remove from the fact there is still a lot to do as a mom. Can’t traditionalists stop this competition and just admit its hardwork for both men and women and both equally deserve a break and to be appreciated for all they do. But, no, rather its on and on about how men work soooo much harder and there job never ends.

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  2. Stone said:

    “Ok maybe that is why the house isn’t spotless. So if her husband is making her work and expects a spotless house…jeesh worse than I though.”

    Oh my goodness!

    I would also point out that preschool teachers are (almost to a woman) pleasant and easy to be around–not to mention good with children. If a guy has trouble getting on with his preschool teacher wife, he’s probably a real ogre. (I’ve encountered one witchy preschool teacher over the years, but only the one.)

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  3. On this thread Mrs. M says she is a preschool teacher.
    https://thetransformedwife.com/denmarks-children-are-not-so-happy/

    Ok maybe that is why the house isn’t spotless. So if her husband is making her work and expects a spotless house…jeesh worse than I though.

    However, Mrs M did say this in her most recent comment
    “Our focus should be Christ, not if our husband is nice and loving our not. A woman married to a cruel and mean man can still have joy and a fulfilling marriage if her focus is Christ centred.”
    OK Whats the problem then….just keep swimming, just keep swimming

    https://giphy.com/embed/14cpLJ4enIIXJK

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  4. Anon,
    So I saw this DS post this morning and just like you he mentions codependency. Interesting huh, he gets it, but does this work the other way too?
    https://deepstrength.wordpress.com/2017/06/23/dont-put-her-needs-above-yours/

    “A person who does not take care of their own needs but is focused on the needs of another is codependent. Ever see someone run themselves ragged over prioritizing someone else without taking care of themselves? Yeah, me too. It’s pretty ugly and never ends well.”

    Gee have we ever seen someone like that? LOL every sahm. I am going to post this in bird watching too.

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  5. It sounds like Mrs.M needs a housekeeper and a mommy’s helper. Her husband either needs to help resolve the problem by paying for help or lower his expectations to a level that she can meet. She’s obviously already very concerned about pleasing him so I’m not sure why the people at Lori’s think that lecturing her about submission and a positive attitude will help. Neither of those things will get the work done.

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  6. ““No excuses, your husband wants the home spotless, so get it spotless and work on keeping it clean and tidy. I am only guessing here, but I feel like this is a major concern between you two and it needs to be taken care of. He’s not asking you to do something that is unreasonable.””

    It may be unreasonable–if there are also expectations for a lot of cooking, homeschooling, and there are small children to keep alive and big kids to keep off screens.

    Unfortunately, one of the easiest ways to keep things “spotless” is to have the kids plugged in all day.

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  7. Happy Homemaker leaves another comment:
    “this man is providing for our family on his own, working a physically demanding job in the heat/cold. What else do I need that shows he loves me? Flowers? Anyone can go to a store and pick them up, but a man that works a hard job and allows you to be home with the children, that’s showing love.”

    This is where the love languages is useful. Maybe that is enough for her. For me I need words of appreication and/or (close tie) physical affection. Maybe some women are content with just money, but to me that seems empty. Is that all a man should provide for us, just a paycheck? If so, why marry. There really is this thinking in the traditionalist world that a men are for money and women are for sex.
    The other thing is men always have to work. Its not like he is necessarily working out of love. If he wasn’t married he would still be working.

    “No excuses, your husband wants the home spotless, so get it spotless and work on keeping it clean and tidy. I am only guessing here, but I feel like this is a major concern between you two and it needs to be taken care of. He’s not asking you to do something that is unreasonable.”

    Cleanliness is really subjective.

    This commenter finally says something nice and helpful
    “Some men are never satisfied. Trying to please them is impossible, since even if 95% of something is done, they will focus and comment on the 5% undone. I recommend that you find your peace by trying to please the Lord in your role as a mother and housewife and wife.”

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  8. “Mrs. M says her husband calls their children “idiots not worth spending time with.”

    Exactly. Forgot about this one. She needs to call him on that NOW and FAST. Completely inappropriate, and if he continues in this way, then she tells him that they are getting counseling. She doesn’t ask him — she tells him. And if he doesn’t comply and go with her to get counseling (from a licensed professional, NOT the Pearls!), then she has to go to their church — unless it’s one of these toxic churches — and get appropriate help. The homeschooling group will have appropriate male role models who haven’t abdicated their responsibilities. That’s the kind of thinking that has destroyed a lot of vulnerable children and teens into destructive behavior with often tragic consequences.

    As a former homeschooled, depressed, and suicidal teen, this is a HUGE issue for me. Someone has GOT to direct this woman to the Pearls’ background and what they have been accused of. There have been so many incidents that it is most certainly not a misapplication of their teachings, as so many claim. Baloney! And Lori goes around deleting suicide hotlines and giving stupid and bad advice to women in dangerous situations. She has no clue. Neither does Happy Homemaker……don’t drink the punch, as they say.

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  9. Happy Homemaker said: “Stop with all the negative thinking and grow a backbone with those kids. Remember, you fell in love with the man for a reason, so think back to that if you have to.”

    That’s an interesting non-sequitur.

    Stone said: “Is it much less work? What does he do? How do we know?”

    Exactly. We have no idea. He certainly seems to find home a lot more stressful, even though he has few responsibilities at home.

    “Later in the discussion thread it is suggested that Mrs. M is depressed. Why is it when a woman is struggling a bit or opens up about the REAL challenges of staying at home they get labeled as depressed?”

    I suspect Mrs. M is depressed–but her life is depressing.

    Happy Homemaker said:

    ““… Serve him joyfully, and let him know you appreciate all he does. You will have to stick with it though, every day until it becomes like second nature to be joyful. And don’t forget to smile, it lets your husband and children know that you are joyful, happy and content!”

    Lie to your husband and your kids. Lie and never let him know how you actually feel about anything.

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  10. Honestly what stood out to me was the fact that’s Mrs. M says her husband calls their children “idiots not worth spending time with.” And she makes excuses for him, saying “that’s not the real him”
    Anonymous is right, she needs to grow a backbone right now. There is absolutely no excuse for that kind of behavior.

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  11. She needs Codependents Anonymous and then she does need to grow a backbone — with her HUSBAND. Sounds like she has the kids just fine under control. We were out visiting another homeschooling family last night with nine kids, one in a great college right now and another heading for college in a couple months……and guess what? The kids are great! They are amazing! They are smart and wonderful and the parents are obviously WAY in love with each other…..and guess what? NOTHING IS PERFECT!!! We were all sitting and laughing about how silly it is to have unreasonable expectations. The father of this family teaches high school, so he is right there in the thick of it, making his family’s living teaching kids. His wife is at home teaching THEIR kids. He is REALISTIC. They are in this thing TOGETHER.

    Until the husband is really in this with you after demanding you do it…..well, sorry, but you have to grow a backbone with him. Tell him — nicely — that you are tired of hearing him complain and that you are doing what you can for right now. That may change over time, and you might be able to do more, but to have this kind of stuff thrown at you will only spiral you downwards FAST. And then you WILL end up depressed. I hope that woman gets off that toxic blog and gets some real help. Unfortunately, only she can reach out for the help she needs, that’s the sad part. 😦 She needs to read some CoDA literature, get to a meeting if at all possible, and take this bull by the horns….I know, it sounds like one more chore. But it will start to improve her life if she does these things. Also, join a homeschool support group. This is crucial if you are determined to continue under these circumstances; they will help you find balance and many organized activities are available so your kids aren’t with you 24/7 and you get a decent break with some other homeschooling mothers who are going through similar things. It also exposes you to healthy homeschooling families in which the fathers have reasonable expectations and know how to love their families correctly — and yes, there IS a way for a husband to love his wife correctly! They know how to bear them up instead of tearing them down.

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